Damned if you do; damned if you don’t.

You don’t have to conform to what society expects in these “modern times”. You don’t have to be super woman doing everything. As long as you and your family are happy and content, bollocks to what society thinks.

Advertisements

I’ve not written anything for a while as I’ve rejoined the big bad world of work. After a couple of years getting my mental health sorted and spending time with the kids, I decided it was time to get my big girl pants on and brave working again.

Little man is settled in a fantastic nursery where the level of care and the activities they have him doing are amazing. Middle is still attending the same school even though we’ve moved out of area, to provide her with some stability.

And this is where the guilt has started to seep in. If I wasn’t working I’d be able to do the drop offs in the morning in a less hurried, stressy manner. I’d be able to keep on top of the housework better. I’d see more of my kids. I’d see more of my husband. I’d have the time to make time to relax. To do the mindfulness and relaxation exercises I’ve been taught. To actually finish a craft project I started on months ago.

At first I thought I enjoyed my job. But after a number of years in the military I forgot just how bitchy civvie street can be. How lackadaisical these environments are. “It’s 5pm so stuff this task and the impact on whether I finish it or not; I’m doing one.” And this is my opinion after 2 weeks!!

Maybe it’s me. Maybe I expect too much from my colleagues. Maybe I just need to take on their attitude. But that’s not me.

I want to do the best for me and mine. That’s why I went back to work. To feel like I’m contributing. But perhaps I’m not one of those women who can work full time and bring up my family simultaneously. And maybe I’m going to have to be at peace with that scenario. To persuade myself that I’m not a quitter. That it’s ok not to do something if it isn’t working for you.  If not just for my own sanity but that of my family’s.

If nothing else, to prove to Middle that you don’t have to conform to what society expects in these “modern times”. You don’t have to be super woman doing everything. As long as you and your family are happy and content, bollocks to what society thinks.

Blending the truth – Mother’s day as a Steppy

The majority of mothers love this day. Spoilt rotten with breakfast in bed, cards and presents. I hate to say this, but I dread this day more than any other.

It’s said that everyone has a story someone else will read. I never believed that I would ever be writing about what I feel is my mundane, day to day life. But don’t they also say never say never?

Here comes the obligatory about me BS…I joined the military in the early Noughties and left last year. So it’s fair to say that I’ve been feeling a bit stir crazy sometimes now that I’m a SAHM (don’t you just hate that phrase???). But at the end of the day, this is the life I chose and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Anyway, I married my husband 3 years ago. At that time, we were dealing with a fair bit… I was expecting my first child; the girls had recently lost their mum to cancer; the eldest had left boarding school (she was sent there due to her dad’s deployments- don’t  judge!) and the youngest came to live with her dad the afternoon before her mum passed away. So we were all kind of thrown in together all of a sudden. I’d known the girls for over a year but now we were all living together in a 3 bed house and getting used to each other’s bad habits.

Fast forward 3 years, we’ve just moved into our first rented accommodation after 3 military houses. The youngest has just turned 3, the eldest is in her second year at Uni and the middle is rapidly turning into a female version of Kevin The Teenager.  And Mother’s day is this Sunday.

The majority of mothers love this day. Spoilt rotten with breakfast in bed, cards and presents. I hate to say this, but I dread this day more than any other. Not only have I lost my own Mam, but we also have the shadow of the girl’s mum hanging over us. So it’s very easy to be bloody miserable. I’d quite happily gloss over it and do something family orientated. Like go for a meal, or a day out. But even then, sat at a table receiving a complimentary bottle of wine “to the best mummy ever!” with your future step daughter does lead to a rather awkward feeling!

We’re learning to get through these days, and dark humour definitely helps. If not with the kids, definitely with my fantastically patient other half. The girls find twee Stepmum cards for the event, though Middle has promised me she’s going to make me her own card this year. And that to me is the best present ever. Knowing that, even when she hates me for taking her phone off of her for her attitude problem, she’s put in the time to make me something which I’ll keep for many years to come, having done the best that I can do.